One of the most powerful ideas from Crucial Conversations
—and elaborated in Crucial Confrontations
—was Master My Stories. Master My Stories is a method of understanding how what we see leads to what we do. Understanding this mental model helps in two ways: in controlling the stories you tell yourself and in understanding how others react to what happens in their life.
A good description begins with how feelings result in actions. The typical mental model people have is that they observe someone or something, they feel based on what they see, then they act based on their feelings.
A common misconception is that how we act is based on how we feel, which is a product of what we see and hear.
The authors make the argument that this model misses a step. In between observing and feeling, we tell ourselves a story. That is, we fill in the gaps in our knowledge with a narrative.
A more accurate model of action according to Patterson is that after we see & hear, we tell ourselves a story, which causes feelings, which lead to action.
For example, let’s say someone makes an ambiguous comment to you: “Your hair looks nicer than it usually does. Did you get it cut?” While the commenter is perhaps lacking in sensitivity, the receiver of the comment has a choice: They can tell themselves a story wherein the commenter meant well, or they can tell a story where the commenter meant ill.
If the receiver convinces themself that despite a lack of tact the commenter meant well, they feel fine and act appropriately.
But if the receiver convinces themself that the commenter was making a backhanded criticism of their “usual hairstyle,” then they may get angry and act out their anger by resorting to silence (withdrawal) or violence (e.g. a snide or sarcastic rejoinder).
Either way, the receiver has made many assumptions about the situation, the character, and the intent of the commenter. However, one story leads to poor feelings and resentment, and the other leads to a pleasant conversation and a better day. Which is the more productive mindset?
Mastering YOUR Stories
To get control of your own behavior, start with how you are acting. Is your behavior consistent with what you really want? If you want more affection from your significant other, is your sullen silence ever going to achieve that? If your behavior will not logically get you where you want, it’s time to explore further.
Next, ask what emotions are leading to that behavior. For example, you feel bitter, which is leading to sullen silence.
Next, explore the story that is creating the emotions. In our example, you feel bitter because your partner has been ignoring you and disregarding your attempts at conversation. It is because they are obsessed with their work and don’t really care about what’s going on in your life.
Finally, examine the evidence supporting this story. Our significant other has been spending an increasing amount of time at work. That’s it.
Is the story “clever?” Does it feature archetypes like the villain and the victim? Simplistic stories seldom match reality. They often gloss over “the victim’s” role in creating the problem.
Continuing our story from above, it turns out that our partner is worried about money and is doing extra work, either for overtime or job security. The reason they are worried about money is that over the last three months the credit card bill has increased significantly. The reason the bill has increased is some frivolous impulse purchases we have made.
With this knowledge in hand, we can no longer play victim to a mean-spirited, villainous, insensitive significant other.
A useful question to ask is, “Why would a decent, rational, and reasonable person act this way?” It forces you to tell yourself a different story.
The Stories Others Tell
At the same time you’re telling yourself stories, others are doing the same. What stories are they telling themselves about you? Upon what evidence are they telling those stories? How did your actions lead to that story being told?
It’s possible that they their story, with you as leading villain, is exaggerated. Maybe your well-intentioned suggestion has resulted in your becoming an insufferable know-it-all. If you wish to preserve the relationship, your next step is to persuade them that the story is false. Recognize that until the story changes, the feelings won’t change.
Or, you can get upset and choose to play the role that has been created for you and make snide comments sure to offend. Then again, what do you really want?
Unintended consequences and perverse incentives are as old as social organization. [See Wikipedia's unintended consequences page for an interesting and informative list.] Many of them could be avoided by asking a few simple questions ahead of time.
. However, it will generally take years of study—a “black belt in Austrian economics”—to crack it. For those who prefer more immediate intellectual gratification, particularly members of the male demographic, this series of videos serves as a gentle introduction.
